ten thousandthundering typhoons!

one day, harry lee found out he wasn't immortal. because he died and went straight to hell.

he was met by his old friend the devil, who reminded him of his pact. harry tried to argue, but the devil had much better legal skills and unfortunately the part in the contract about selling one's soul in order to rule a country was air-tight and binding. so the devil made harry a concession: "I have to put you through eternal torment, but since you're an old friend and someone after my own heart, i'll allow you your choice of punishment. wanna come see what your old rivals are going through?"

he took him to the first cell, where chee soon juan was starving away, chained up, just inches away from a sumptuous banquet. "that'll teach him for going on hunger strikes," grinned harry, but declined this punishment.

the next cell had chiam see tong strapped to a table with his mouth open while a wild goose above walked around, crapping. "serves him right, but not for me," said harry.

the devil opened the door to the last cell. j b jeyaretnam was naked, chained to a post, while catherine lim in leathers was forced to perform fellatio on him.

"you call that punishment??" said harry in disbelief "but in any case, i'll take it!"

"sure?" asked the devil.

"abso-fucking-lutely," replied the former minister mentor of a tiny island.

"alright then. in you go!" ordered the devil, and a few henchmen started to strap a gleeful harry lee and bring him into the cell. looking into the cell, the devil yelled:

"right, catherine! we've found your replacement, you can come out now!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

sorry kids. i was bored and found this quirky little tale online.

i did gym today after a week long absence of physical activity. im a real sucker for torture, if you didnt know. in fact, i am perfectly aware of the sexual connotation of this statement, and i daresay i might not be averse to such forms of uhh.. umm.. ahh.. entertainment, either. good to have an open mind to things, see?

...

...

...

im bullshitting again la, you assholes! if you really thought i was telling the damn truth, a pox on you all! maggots and swines and bashi-bazouks! i dont know what a bashi bazouk is. the only one with the answer is captain haddock, and i doubt we'll be hearing from him anytime soon. nevertheless, i shall on his behalf impart the skill of swearing gibberish to you, my darling fans! wait. you arent my darlings. you, my lazy disciples! you err.. readers.

"hai4! jie1 zao1!"

*steam rises from top of your head and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes (yay!) as qi channels through my palms and into your nonexistent brain 5th and 13th acupuncture points*

and... tada! you now have the power to swear like the president of the society of sober sailors himself. i dont know what the heck you'd wanna do with an ability like that. maybe you can now abuse your nagging mom/dad with a vast and startling array of eloquently worded stunners (im going clubbing tonight and thats final, you miserable blundering barbecued blister! pithecanthropic montebank! toffee-nose!). hell, since they'll be busy dialling the woodbridge hotline, they might not even reply for once.

always remember, however, that with great power comes great responsibility.

christ. dont you just wanna take a hammer to every jackass motherfucker who utters that line or flashes it on some online comment or something? goddam sluts. people who spam that sentence ought to be shot and hung and have other people piss in their mouth. even if they are usually just underaged dunderheaded coconuts and gibbering anthropoids.

fuck man. i dunno what im typing anymore. i shall go play some defense of the ancients (read:warcraft). im damn fucking good at dota, im telling you. im a fucking combo whore; that means i killz the shiznit outta my opponents and make em quit all the time. as maddie has also come to realise, im also actually a clothes whore and a punk music whore.

whore! whore whore whore!

subtropical sea-louse! nabeh chee bye!!

jeez dudes. im sorry, i just had a spasm right there. its usually only woon who displays such manifestations. im sorry again, you two-timing troglodytes... uhh. folks.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -
music wise: "...the dragonfly plants the serum into coheed, which activates the monstar. he's tricked into going to some planet to see cambria, but when he lays eyes on her, the serum within him is activated, which turns him evil." more gibberish? hardly. coheed and cambria is a band named after a couple in a fictionious story written by lead singer claudio sanchez, who also happens to be one of the starring characters. indie punk, interesting stuff, grows on you after some listening. enjoy.

featured band: coheed and cambria
key listens: a favor house (atlantic), blood red summer & devil in jersey city

the one ring.

im really, really tired.

i slept 10 hours in the past 2 days, in comparison with my clearing-off days whereby i would clock a 10 hour mileage easily in one night. this cannot bode well for my good looks. i may need botox jabs soon.......... no la - just kidding! botox my arse man..... hey. come to think of it, i really could use a firmer butt as well. its been ages since i last ran, and i feel seriously unfit from all the social smoking ive done.

i got my ring back from sara earlier this evening (wont bother linking, she aint gonna update her blog anyways), after the fiasco that was yesterday's pubbing outing. i ended up standing outside shaw towers at 2am completely sober, absolutely reeking of stale smoke and minus my ring (shupz made off with it sometime over the course of the evening) which i always wear on my left forefinger. which i quite like, by the way.

i dont really know why i still wear a memento of a past relationship. sentimental value? i used to be pretty sentimental over such things, but right now it gets tiring even bothering to think about what stuff like this used to represent. have you ever been in a relationship where you can honestly say that you've really given your all and more, just to try and make things work? i have, and after the house of cards collapsed it feels as though my entire range of heartstrings snapped and now i cant feel a damn thing. which isnt necessarily a bad thing. i quite think of it as a good thing, really.

sorry, im wandering. anyway i really like the ring we got, it meant quite a fair bit to me. cost quite a fair bit too; it wasnt one of those cheap-ass Bits & Pieces or Perlini Silver rings. we got this one from Lee Hwa; simple yet pretty unique imho. we'd been around to all the other places and this one was one i'd yet to see. it was close to half of my ns allowance at the time, but hey - ive never been one to lose sleep over funding. except when i got broke, of course. heh.

of course, it was sad the day we broke up, cuz... hmmm. didja read Who Moved My Cheese by spencer johnson? fear of reality inhibited my ability to see where things were headed (if you think im being lame and trying to relate my life to some random story, a similar example is actually mentioned towards the end of the book; i read it while lazing around in camp today), so when we met and i saw that band of white where her's used to be, i guess you could say i got pretty sad. not upset or angry, mind you. just... sad.

eh. i think i'll quit while im ahead. before this degenerates into some silly session on how lousy things were, how i suffered etc etc. not my cup of tea. when im not so tired i shall rage about what a bitch my ex was. hahaha. anyway... thanks sara for hanging on to my ring for me. owe you one.

the ring i wear doesnt serve to remind me about the mistakes i made or about the times we had or some nonsensical bs like that. the actual reason i wear my ring is because im pretty sure its actually one of the elven trio of rings forged by the great elven smith celebrimbor, of which sauron was unable to lay hands upon and thus were untainted by his evil. This is due to the fact that every night the ring whispers to me about its name being n-something-something (there's only 2 that start off with the letter 'n' so its either narya or nenya). But due to the lack of sleep and thus shallowness of my dream depth, i am unable to perceive exactly what the fuck it is trying to say. perhaps its giving me the toto numbers for tomorrow, or telling me where the winning big sweep ticket can be purchased. i might even be wrong about this being one of the elven rings - i could be bearing the one ring and becoming like smeagol with each passing day. oh dear.

gollum has never looked better.

i am however really too goddam tired to decipher what my godly silver band is trying to tell me. shutup, ring! you, fuck you preciouss!! lemme sleep in some peace, can??

or maybe.. what its really saying is...

"n-n-n... nabeh la lionel! waste so much money on such a lousy girl!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
music wise, the name dashboard confessional actually comes from one of chris carrabba's songs, 'the sharp hint of new tears'. the line "on the way home, this car hears my confessions" made the phrase dashboard confessional pop into his head.

featured band: dashboard confessional
key listens: the places you have come to fear the most & remember to breathe. plenty more good ones, im sure you can source em out yourself.

lazy wong and thefountain of financial advice.

first off, my exams're over! woot!

wait a sec.

what exams could someone who hasnt even begun varsity yet possibly have?

well. ive just finished the 3 examinations that are a prerequisite for financial advising. in other words..

wongcheok is now an insurance agent.

... okay... alright already! no need to run and hide dammit. i wont sell to you la. its only the exams, i havent exactly fully qualified yet. but it'll be pretty soon, that i can tell you.

blog more on that in abit. i hafta make a special mention first. i have won an award, everyone! and not just any award! i've beaten some pretty intense competition for... a Woonie! a Woonie? wtf is that? think of it as something like the Grammies, the Baftas or the Braydons or some other retarded name that parents dish out these days. woot! here's an excerpt of my sweet victory:

"And the winner is.... *drum roll*.... Wongcheok! Despite going for Wullaby, and doing some stupid video, there was never a doubt who 'The Lazy' belongs to. Better known as 'Lazy Wong', you can be sure this award will go right next to Wongcheok's all-time favourite piece of furniture... the bed!"

read more here, fans of the great lazy wong! i must say, woon's writing is getting better by the day, he just freaking cracks me up silly. its just too bad he just cant chat up a girl for nuts. ive been trying to exhort him to take up some pr job of some sort because he really is an attention slut just like me so he can work on his communication skills, but the fella just wont get his damn arse up to even search for one. it takes one to know one, and thats why woon is one of the select few capable of presenting my great damn self with such a prestigious honour.

back to the fine art of harassing people insurance. hey, its really not that bad y'know. i mean, seriously. we all need insurance. thats a fact. its just that people

a) dont like being harassed along the street

b) dont fancy paying a portion of their income for something that they cant see

c) dont like being harassed along the street

d) are seldom are as hot, gorgeous and sexaye as i am. oh wait. this has nothing to do with insurance.

well, okay. im sure you can think of many better reasons. but c'mon, admit it - everyone's gotta have some sorta insurance, yes? what does this mean? insurance is useful, people. insurance provides for your family and loved ones when you need the dead presidents the most. and aww hell, there's worse you can splurge your dough on.

since marketing insurance is a commission based job, lemme give y'all an example of a shittier commission based and commercially marketable product...

hold your breath.

the... BIO MAGNETIC MATTRESS.

christ! has ever a more retarded scam-your-ass-off product ever been made? if you've already bought one of these - well, i hate to break the bad news to you, but that sgd1500-2500 mattress you're sleepin on? that nabehdous rectangle of fluff costs a mother-fuck-fuck-fuckety-fucking thirty dollars to produce.

didnt hear me right? a mother-fuck-fuck-fuckety-fucking thirty bucks, asshole. did i sound like constantine when i said that?

believe me when i say this. i got the info from a friends who was an ex manager working in one of these mlm firms(no, i didnt buy any of these white elephants). its really not much of a question where all the profits go to, either. you've got plenty of agents/entrepreneur-wannabes running around proclaiming how happy they are or how rich their bosses are when really, its only the latter that's true.

if you're still clutching your head in disbelief that your entrepreneuring spirit is a complete load of bull, and still wanna persist in funding your ah beng boss's ferrari - go ahead, why dont you? sucker.

read up adrian's entry on the mlm industry for further enlightenment. ignore the part about arts fags being sucky though - i havent gone into arts yet, see? i will single handedly change this opinion of arts people being faggots and revolutionise the image of arts. because i am so damn good looking and eloquent.

im sorry. thats abit too much of a lie, even for me. i cant change people's opinions, nor can i revolutionise anything save for being lazy. my heart sinks with the reality that.. i shall.. just have to.. stick to being my hammsom self. *single tear trickles down cheek*

in today's music wise: we're heading down screamo alley for a change! hawthorne heights boasts a 3 guitar arrangement which makes for some pretty nifty melodic layouts. plenty of layered vocals makes their songs really, really catchy.

featured band: hawthorne heights
key listens: ohio is for lovers(a must-hear, imho), angels with filthier faces & silver bullet

integration and diffentiation.

i read a pretty good and well informed opinion on the potential of integration on TalkingCock. below is an excerpt.

"In a stunning but not altogether unexpected announcement, Minister of Mental Mystification Chia Pek Hoon explained that Singapore's next step in remaking itself would be to open an Original Development (OD) resort which features a state of the art emporium for stimulants, narcotics and cannabinoids."

shiok right? now we have the perfect excuse for spending taxpayer's dollars already! we can integrate our entertainment outlets see! singapore weather is always damn bloody hot right, tourists and locals alike wanna jalan down orchard road kai-kai abit also steam. how shall we solve this? we shall... integrate all the shopping centres together and make the whole bloody place more accessible, more shady and lagi more happening! dont believe me? see for yourself!

as if glass roofed pedestrian crossings make the place any more cool (in both senses of the word). how many more people will come to orchard as a result of the beautification? how many people even go to town because it looks pretty? what a waste of good money, i say!

anyway. how many of you actually read or listened to the views of the various parliament members? i'll do a few quick short takes. (names have been changed... because i hum)

MP Amityville shared how her two children had remarked that Singapore was now going to have two gambling dens. the little ones always discern the truths from the bullshit best, dont you agree?

MP Sinful Nature observed that gambling and betting are even a favourite pastime of national servicemen:"The problem is so widespread that servicemen will almost bet on anything, including who is the last man to go up the 3 tonner.The point is that you don't need a casino to become a pathological gambler." err. right. which fucking idiot nowsadays hedges on that, i ask you? bloody hell, anyhow chu pattern then no logic to backup one.. your point is made. applause, please?

Wankers Party MP Rebel-To-The-End had likened the resorts to porridge that had been cooked and served to the people - which, he says, were told to take because there was special medicine in it. MP Quick Response said, "This analogy is misleading and insidious. This is not what the government is advocating to take..porridge almost with poison laced in it. It is more like a grand buffet aimed at drawing big crowds...and there is this one stall selling something not very healthy for you, there are barricades and people say don't go and eat there...enjoy the rest of the buffet." eh please. this one, fucking ridiculous la. dont need to comment, you read also will feel your porridge poisoned one lor. or maybe your newater is poisoned, or something to that extent.

okok, i know that people really can get sued for writing stuff like this one. just check out acidflask sia. kena hamtam until liddat. so i hum sia. but u can google and check out the real names yourself. doh!

my take on the IR's is self explanatory from the comments above la. if you still dunch unnerstand, you eess fucking retardo, comprenez? i really think its a load of bull la. casino then say casino la. more jobs also good what, but surely you throw smoke so much everyone'll get damn skeptical, right not? correct hor?

i damn up one, shall throw in some of my expert opinions. in my view, we should go all the way and have integrated pleasure resorts too! why not right? everyone complains about joo chiat overcrowded with whores hookers guest relations staff... geylang put camera make safe also storeowner complain business drop... aiya! all the GROs, hook em up in some spanky complex with plenty of glass fishtanks and seedy yet stylish air conditioned walkways la! male or female, all can one! submit to parliament approval? no problem! we can label them... pleasure islands or some other lame ass name. just like the reality tv show! sex sells, it creates plenty of jobs (housekeepers will have a field day sia)... perfect right! the benefits outweigh the costs what!

see? i also can be MP one.

music wise... more about std. basically an emo punk outfit that has actually been playing for around ten years, since they got together when they were 13(!). lead chris conley has a perfect voice for emo punk and he puts it to good use.
featured band: saves the day
key listens: rocks tonic juice magic & at your funeral

mak the maggot.

its only been what, 9 hours after i last dished out some dirt on cpt m? but some people seriously warrant truckloads of fertiliser dumped on em, i tell you.

today i received a call at fuckin' 830 in the morning - thats what, 3 hours of sleep? tis a call from my fellow oceeefer yap. it seems the disease known as cpt m has really been spreading like wildfire sia: yesterday i got hit, and today both woon n yap got it early early in the morning too. apparently he actually wanted us to come back one day early to start work, but since im busy studying for exams and yap conceived some hodge podge of excuses to ward off the leave-sucking vamp (yap's real fucking good at cooking up excuses i tell you. almost better than me.), m went to call woon and ask if he could come down alone to pleasure his weener help out with things.

well... he didnt quite put it that way. in fact, he wasnt really all that honest about it.

mak: woonchoon, can you come down tomorrow to battalion line to *blahblah-excuses-im-really-tied-up-now-need-some-help-over-here-i-fucking-suck*? but lionel cannot make it la, he's busy with his exams on thursday and i dont wanna touch him. (note: yes this is common lingo; there is no relevance to michael jackson whatsoever)

woon: sir, i go check if yap is coming then?

mak: i called yap just now, he said he's coming down tomorrow dont worry.

woon: ??! *wtf??*

this reaction would not have arisen if not for the simple fact that yap called right before cpt m did to inform woon he was gonna zao wednesday and warn him about the ringwraith the desperate (and now, tricksy) cpt m.

eh wahlao. whats this sia. i know that all the 'officer cannot lie' nonsense is a load of bs, but this is abit OTT right... lie also make it less transparent la. and to think one of the 2 bar regulars got 14 extras for lying several months back... fuck! cpt m the slut should get twenty one extras!! i shall go tell my CO!

but then again... my CO is quite a lazy slut too. most nsfs and nsmen should be able to unnerstand when i say this - singapore in wartime is a fucking no hoper on its own accord. too many pencil pushers and backside protectors. the only reason singapore can possibly beat matland redland is because they fucking suck more. just check out their outlandish national service wannabe imitation...

anyhow. i gotta leave the house now, cuz since we cant make it tomorrow, the slut wants to see us in an hours time at yishun northpoint macdonalds for some time wasting half hour brief. how troublesome - its a fucking hour's ride. if you wanna go sign yourself up with the greenhats, please dont drag us non-wannabes down with you. you slut.

you know i love punk right? emo punk, emo core, post hardcore, alt rock, general punk, whatever. everyone out there should really try it, its excellent stuff. some good un's from saves the day to start y'all off with. go check em out, they fucking rock

featured band: saves the day
good listens: freakish, your ghost takes flight & sell my old clothes, im off to heaven

a star is born.

well. guess ive finally decided to give in to my attention whoring and git myself a blog. god knows what i'll blog about though, but hey - its a start yeah?

y'know, its really pissing me off that come thursday i gotta go back to camp. see here's the deal - im serving out my sentence in the singapore blueland artillery right now. everyone knows artillery is slack, right? well i got news for y'all - hell yeah, you're right! as an officer la. wah lao, arty officers are the worst i tell you. so chaokeng already still kaobei the most one. the grass will always seem greener until one day you meet a fellow 2lt who's still slogging like a dog. then u start laughing. hawhaw.

anyway! a couple friends n myself, we got to clear leave from army early. shiok right? no man. this is in exchange for our services for the 1st 2 weeks of may cuz our bosses wanna conduct some familiarisation course for god-knows-who. right before we left, my 2i/c ( i shall name him cpt mak m for privacy's sake) told us to give him a call about a week before we were due back i.e this coming thursday. obviously me n my fellow officers (woon n yap shall be their names) procrastinated the call, leading the damn bugger cpt m to call me this morning. wahlaoeh. of all people must be me.

why me???

ahem. there's more. not only does he want us to come back exactly on the 28th (knn everyone thought he will give us clearing personnel face and recall us abit later ma), he wants us back at 0730 sharp so
he can brief us. brief on what, you say? nnbccb we're not doing fam course anymore! we are gonna do yet another commissioning event again!! bloody hell wanna invite minister of defence to come officiate ceremony on the 6th of may, ten fucking days from now.

what the fuckshit do you expect us ord mood peeps to commit into this ridiculous effort of yours, cpt m? you bloody slut you. its none of our business if you wanna sign on to the armed forces and dai lu mao (loosely translated into 'wear green hat' in chinese, also means to 'get cuckolded') right! see, regulars never seem to unnerstand the nsf thinking. especially officers. for them, its simple! cpl so and so doesnt wanna come down to work on time? charge him and send him to db! ive seen this before and its really quite shocking. would you send someone to jail for coming to work late? assholes.

so come thursday i gotta go to camp at fucking 730 in the morning. did i mention i live an hour away via public transport? mother. fucker. that, plus i've an exam which i have not yet started revising for on that very day. die la.

its pretty late. better go catch some sleep. need to read the entire textbook of health insurance in one day and thats tomorrow. did i mention im gonna try out insurance selling? hawhaw. i dont see any blogs on that around. blog more about it when i start work.