the dream argument

I've been having some pretty interesting dreams over the past week, but the last one kinda takes the cake.

It goes like this: For some inexplicable family reason, the whole lot of us suddenly migrated to Australia. Like, right now, smack in the middle of the school hols, we just shifted everything and took a flight down to a new house in the span of a couple days. And I was so dazed that all I could offer were lame protests like "But Ma... Education's expensive in Australia!" and "How'm I gonna transition from NUS syllabus to this new bunch of nonsense?!"

And upon reaching the place... Wah, damn chui3 la. I end up learning the finer techniques of using a chainsaw (don't ask me how the fuck i dreamt this up - really, I don't know.)

Also, I realise that i've forgotten to bid my friends goodbye, and i realise that miss them. A Whole. Fucking. Lot. Like, flashes of their faces, sudden emo spasms and inordinate amounts of self-restraint to prevent the tears from spilling... that sorta thing. Man, it's kinda embarassing writing this, but hey - at least i'm honest, right?

I think that at some point of time, we're all influenced to varying degrees by our friends. Okay so i'd probably flunk a philosophy essay with a thesis statement like that, but it does appear to me as an accurate generalisation. Who hasn't idolised a peer during the growing years? Who among us can claim to have not copied anyone else, in some form or another? At different stages of our lives we all desire to be like people other than ourselves, and in hindsight at least a few of us might look back and realise our incredible silliness for trying to be what we weren't.

We can't deny the things we've done. Spending our teenage years searching for a sense of identity. Propagating a quest in defining who we are and what we are to the world. Searching for a sense of purpose and belonging, not just to family, but to a crack cadre of friends. I'm sure some of us know people who comment that they just don't seem to have any 'real' friends: Personally, a sentence like that strikes a sharp note in my being, because I've thought and I've thought and I've finally come to the conclusion that I am wholly defined by my friends over the years.

I think it'd suck if you believed you didn't have real friends. To me, it'd mean certain social death: I just wouldn't know who I am anymore.

Even in varsity I do come across people who just dont seem clearly.. .defined. When i say defined, I mean that they lack a certain... self-confidence, I think? I daresay I've met and spoken to quite a large number of people (I worked as an insurance man for the 2 months before uni), and I've come to the conclusion that there exists a sense of... realness... which permeates the beings of those who know themselves. Perhaps we're essentially making reference to the "Larger than life" cliche here, but yeah I guess that'd be it.

Realness. Solidity of form. Blah blah blah. Other inconsequential references. You get the picture.

So I've seen a couple people around in varsity playing the role of empty vessels: they're loud, talkative... but essentially seem to be lacking in substance. You kinda feel for them when you see how hard they try to fit in. Hey, I'm not being condescending here - I honestly think it sucks trying to be something you're not, that's all.

On a personal note, I've spent a large portion of my teenage years repeatedly attempting to understand myself. I've always been pretty much a loner: Back in primary school, I quit soccer after scarring myself, and ended up strolling the driveways and talking about life with a friend during our daily recess period. I've always identified with the nerds as opposed to the jocks (i'm being very general here, because there very seldom exist jocks in the full stereotypical definition), yet i've always been accepted willingly into both fraternities. In all instances throughout the growing pains, I've never been host to more than a dozen close friends, and up til today I see no need for having a wide friendship network. When it comes down to the wire, all I really need are an elite few to stick by me and I'll know that nothing can bring me down.

My personal struggles were more or less fulfilled by the presence of this small group of close friends I've had, many of whom have stuck by me til today. Take the Doctor, for instance - we've been mates since secondary 2, and our friendship has lasted through an extended cooling period of 2 years (when he went off to thailand to do his IB studies). We've both seen our romances flourish and fail, and have been there for each other -beer in one hand and cigarette in the other- each time things got fucked up and shot to hell.

There's a small list of treasured friends that no-one's really interested in looking at. Well, actually that's a half-truth: I bet that if you know me and you're reading this, you'd probably be scrolling through the list if I wrote one... and i'd end up in deep shit for forgetting to name you. So there: I won't write a damned list. Anyway, the point I wanna get across is simple: We are defined by the friendships we have, very much the same as we are apparently what we eat (although I can't vouch for authenticity of the latter since Burger King constitutes junk food and I enjoy BK meals).

In the same breath, people with hundreds of friends might thus be constituted as somewhat more shallow in nature. Logically speaking, no-one is really able to stretch themselves out over so many people and cater to them all; There's bound to be something lost in the process. This is an arguable notion, but more often than not it's what i've observed. I suppose it's why I'd rather a friend who's a nerd than one who's a socialite: I know that i'll always be able to count on the former, and that's really what friendship's about, isn't it? Being there for one another?

I've never understood the overwhelming desire some people exhibit for overseas study. The thought of leaving friends and family startles me. Shakes me, even. What if something happens while i'm away? It's a question I neither want nor need an answer to, a cross I find myself unable and unwilling to bear. I value my friends and family more than anything in the world, because I think that not doing so would be akin to refuting my very presence. And i'd do my best for them, simply because i'm confident that they'd do the same for me.

The simplicity of it all grants me the luxury of happiness, and the comfort of knowing that I'm remembered.

As such, I am content. And that is my answer.