singaporean trainspotting

i would make good use of my artistic tendencies to illustrate what i'm gonna write about, but its really too hard to translate the things that i would draw with a goddamn mouse. so fuck that - as long as you know i'm pretty handy with a pen and have a searingly vivid imagination, its enough for me. the mouse really doesn't do much justice, and God is in the details you know.

i was on the train home from orchard less than an hour ago, and while i stood in the centre of the carriage (you know, between the two doors on either sides) with Stolen From Some Great Writer (a fantastic Spitalfield song) blasting through my ear channels, i revisited several observations made on countless train journeys which always quirked my senses but i'd always been too damned lazy to note down.

come to think of it, i do think maddie made some mention of this once. once again, my laziness inhibits me from making a concerted effort to search for her entry.


the aunty brigade

the aunty brigade boarded the train at dhoby ghaut. initially, i had assumed them to be at least half a dozen in strength - such was the flamboyance of colour and accompanying level of chatter. however, as the crowd thinned (more people were being relegated to the middle of the carriage, you see) i came to understand that, with much chagrin, i had erred in my judgement - there were only two of them.

the words just popped straight into my head: 'fuck me but i'm blasting music at volume level 28-outta-30 and i still can hear them!'

anyway, i could go on about their dress sense (its so passe man - chingay is over already you know), but that wasnt the gist of what really drew my attention. what initially stumped me was their apparent civic-mindedness - yes, these aunties actually barged their way into the midst of the carriage. i was fucking impressed at first; these were some considerate old hoes, man!

after a minute of careful observation however, i soon realised that they had strategically positioned themselves in front of a pair of seats occupied by 2 young ladies, and were balefully glaring down at the offending pair while simultaneously complaining how tired they were after such a long day.

cheh. when it comes to civility, singapore is the downright pits. much to their credit, the ladies didn't flinch when lambasted by the fiery laser beams from above; they just carried on their conversation as though everything were right as rain. such amazing powers of ignorance! surely i am most proud to be singaporean.

fucking cheesebun.


hot cross buns

this one never fails to make me squirm. a hot-cross-bun situation (HCB for short; i also note that it could very well stand for horny err cheesepie, but aiya whatever la. its all the same) occurs when a couple occupy the space besides the train doors; knowing how couples stand, its inevitable that you've got to pplace your hands somewhere. decent couples keep their hands to themselves; at best, pushing the boundaries of public indecency would be the hugging of each other and the occasional kiss. this, i can still observe with minor discomfort (who the fuck wants to hear baby i love you so much being played repeatedly like a spoilt tape recorder).

what i cannot stomach, however, is when the guy places his hands on the girl's ass. and squeezes for effect.

is this your shallow method of proclamation to the innocent bystander that "EuU LoVe ThiS GaL VeRi muCH WorxX~"? or are you trying to tell the world that you're getting a piece of that arse tonight? fuckoff, willya - if your hands itch so much, buy a goddamn kooshball.



lagi worse scenario; its times like this i wish i had my sar41


fucking hell. and its always the bengs who do this; you demented people should be locked up in a cell with a bunch of gay niggers, thats what i think.


the pole hugger

show me a passenger who hasn't seen one of these creatures from another dimension, and i'll give you ten bucks.

i'm gonna make a base generalisation: from all my observations, it seems that ahnehs/banglas are the greatest culprits of pole hugging. why? who knows man. maybe its only through going under the snip, learning the fine arts of self-prostitution and acting like a hooker in public that can they escape the rigours of the caste system back home. muhaha.

however, as of late i've noticed some chinese folk resort to this shameless and indecent act too. shame on you bitches; you're like that mochi japanese ice cream thingy - yellow skin hiding chocolate ice cream underneath. sluts! boooooo!!

anyway, today while i was holding on to the pole and generally minding my own business, some middle-aged cheena-pok man stood in front of me (the middle pole was between us and his back was to me) and proceeded to whip out his mp3 player and install the earphones in his aural crevices (lol imagine if i'd typed oral heh heh heh). the mother fucker then proceeded to slowly but surely lean back in the direction of the pole, despite the obvious fact that i was holding it and the carriage was generally empty enough such that everyone saw it

like, wtf?! and he actually leaned ON my hand you know! was he trying to insinuate that i have really smooth skin, such that he couldn't tell the difference between a long rounded metal pole and the sensation of my four knuckles against his spine?

i had to forcibly poke him in the back with my fist before he actually noticed. you see! this is what happens when you are born without a spine. fucking cheena-pok; that brings to mind another half-arsed issue i have with PRCs in general, but i'll leave that for another time. anyway, the motherbastardwhore half turned his head, muttered something which sounded like an apology, and ten minutes later reverted back to Example A: spineless person relies on hand-support pole for backrest purposes.

i was cussing all the while and i don't know if he could hear it; i was wearing my 'phones, remember? i sure hope he did though. motherwhoreslutbastard pole huggers. fuck la - you think the train fucking patpong ha? cheebai.

last words of enlightenment: all pole huggers are either ahnehs or mochi-icecream-bastardwhores.. yes, indeed this is true. to hell with the lot of you, i say!