noxious shades of green.

i have a smorgasbord of things to blog about. so much so that if i do it all at once, my cup runneth over.

im so sorry for the blasphemy.

jenny pointed out that smorgasboard is merely orgas-m-s-board spelt in yodaspeak. this is true, padawan jenny. smart, you ar- ... fuck.

more cyclic babbling in yodaspeak again.

i really shouldnt have watched episode 3 a second time. the little green asshole is corrupting my ability to speak properly. plus im damn fucking sleepy as i type this, because its damn boring to watch analkin's incessant ability to act stupid for 2 hours straight, can?

- - -

speaking of the little green mother fucker, i received a couple pictures we took during our last few days in camp, courtesy of mark the cow. but... before i even start to post em and do comments n' shit, i feel the need to make a small but very important complaint rant:

"the local boys are ok until they enter national service. once they enter NS, they complain a lot. i didn't know that guys could talk about the most minute things. perhaps they're not used to the physical training or regimentation."

- chng zhenzhi, a*star scholarship holder

psst. zhenzhi. come here, come closer... i want to tell you something... *leans over to whisper in her ear*

wongcheok: "fuck you, understand."

sorry folks. it had to be done. that stupid mother fucker. fucking ka chng la, she. i can still recall the so-called apology letter she wrote which was published; a part of it went "i was misquoted. i like singaporean men."

but we dont like you. how? singaporean men dowann frenn you oredi la.

stupid bitch.

- - -

where was i? damn slut took away my concentration. oh yeah. army stuff, right? men in green n' shit. well, i certainly aint gonna complain about army. you stupid bitch you. *ahem* sorry, i digress.

what say we take a look into how i spent the past year of life in unit? dont worry, i'll keep it short and sweet; no launching into extended babbling about "oh, that time hor, so-and-so happened, yadda-yadda-yadda... so funny!". no sirree, none of that pussy nonsense here.

in fact, i'll just introduce my 3 other fellow officers. that alone is enough nonsense for at least 3 posts.

the nsf officers in my battery (mentioned earlier, we dont call it platoon in artillery) number only 4. its a small battery, so in actual fact the officers outnumber the men and sergeants. quite weird.

the officer corp is as follows:

when our powers combine, we form 1 x fucked up megazoid of chaokeng. more officers than men, what you want us to do? order each other around?


not-so-brief introductions

wee-wee-weelard:

lta yu weili is his real name. we have lovingly termed him willard, simply because one fine day in the officer mess there was a screening of the movie willard. its alright if you havent heard of it; it went pretty much unnoticed during its release in theatres. anyway, we thought he resembled the main fella in the show a fair bit. it also helped that the willard in the movie could communicate with rats aka the pied piper, because our dear lta willard is abit of a giant rat himself.

wee-wee-weelard is an abbreviation of the abovementioned name by mark the cow, whom we will go into further detail on another time.

willard is a psychotic sex maniac. this, i cannot stress enough. he has a grin that can send shivers down the most stoic of men. perhaps this is his inherent ability: not to control mouses (he made that blooper himself, the fool), but his terribly omnipotent aura of perversion.





christ. just look at that perverse grin of his. how will he ever find a girlfriend?

and i havent even shown his grin with teeth yet. can you imagine he does that on guys too? the effect is fucking scary. it makes my hair stand just remembering it.




wahlao. girls, can you imagine some random fucker like this asking for your number? what would you do?

ugh. gross. i feel sick...

excuse me. i need to use the force abit; force some puke out, that is.



memory of disgusting grin *GROAN* *choke* *barf* *choke*

- - -

okay... feel abit better now... *groans*

eh? whats this?





oh boy. i feel something coming up again.




- - -

*splutters and coughs*

wee-wee-weelard also has deep appreciation for his naked self. all 3 fellow bunkmates of his (in other words, woon, mark and myself) can attest to this, simply because everytime after a shower, he abstains from towelling himself dry in the bathroom and would rather come back to bunk and dry his furry self while striding around the room completely naked. like i said, willard is pretty much a giant rat; this is the most logical explanation to me for such behaviour.

morover, he does not do this towelling business quickly. it takes him about ten minutes to dry himself. he also has a horrible tendency to flash his naked arse at us when we play games on the playstation (which is beside his bed). the worst examples of such flasher tendencies occur when he purposely bends over with his ass facing us.

sometimes its almost like having a miniature sun in the room everytime willard comes back from the shower.



its bright and sunny... with breakfast at kfc...

can you imagine the torture we have been put through for the past year?

you have no idea, i tell you.

oh yeah. he slaps asses alot, too. this is quite freaky. he does this for no reason whatsoever; i strongly suspect everytime he slaps someone's ass he's actually having a dirty thought. ugh.

he also likes to physically abuse woon (dont understand this very well; they just keep doing the you-hit-me-i-hit-you-back thing again and again). this in part is a cause for woon's constant rage blackouts; search woonchoon's blog for more details on this new strain of anger-related manifestation.

wah seh. i told you there's alot of dirt to dish on my fellow officers. y'know, im not done on willard yet. but aw hell, i think i'd better give him some face. what if he actually reads my blog? im doomed, know?

he will come rape my ass when im sleeping or something. yuck. the fucking sicko. did i mention he's also paedophilic and feasts his eyes on young secondary schoolgirls? and he's quite frank and openly honest about this fetish of his too - fuck!

i would post another barf shot, but there's only so much stomach content that i have to regurgitate.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i shant dish out a gem of music wisdom today. instead, i offer up this photo of one of my men with his entrepreneurial proposal.

presenting...

gary the toot and his integrated sleeping and shitting technique! amazing!

with soldiers like these, who needs enemies?

p.s- willard is also known as big gary. haha!