my confession.

y'know, tonight seems strangely peaceful. its close to one and the entire household is asleep, save for me being camped out in front of a flickering white screen sipping at my glass of milk and pondering about what to write this quiet morning.

you know that when you see an introduction along the lines of the above, the following entry is liable to be one of a rather personal nature. because its precisely in such conditions that i find it easiest to come to terms with whatever's on my mind or hidden, lurking, in the depths of my heart.

several days back, i received a friendster testimonial from jerrome, who's basically someone i havent seen in bloody ages. now, i dont really know the fella, so i have absolutely no idea what possessed him to do such a thing. i think he was just plain bored, and i can relate to that. its a feeling i am constantly reacquainted with these days.

- - -

this is what he wrote:

"claim to fame: OCS Arty Comissioning Contingent decides to replace One-Check-One
in it's timing...with...Wong-Cheok-Wong =) But the SSM had other ideas.
This dude's a really nice guy, looks a toughie, IS a toughie, so it's really hard to explain
why he's nice... juz meet him =)

He loves God too and God loves him too. All the best dude!"

- - -

now, i do appreciate the fact that someone actually took some time out to write something nice about me, so i of course approved it. but even as i clicked on the approve button, i felt a slight tinge of... what was it?

loss? regret? irony? melancholy...?

its been ages since i last went to church; 6 months, to be exact. i did try once after i broke up with j, but i guess the overall feel of the place just kinda screamed at me to fuck off. now, dont get me wrong; its not as though i felt like a deep seated regret for all things lost, or an inescapable outburst of emotion which then led to a bout of tears when i walked through the place, or any other stupid emotional shit like that.

meeting all the people whom i knew solely because of j and trying to hold polite conversation over absolutely nothing of significant interest. to make believe that i was still the person i used to be and that nothing'd changed. pretending that i was my normal friendly self when i knew i wasnt. too fake for my blood, pal. i'd like to think my acting skills are pretty good, but given a situation like this, i just couldnt be bothered to even fucking try.

why try to be something you're not, just to please... fuck, i dont even know who i was doing it for. j? uhh. like... no. myself? if that were the case, i'd should've been feeling fine and dandy then, no?

so i quit the church. when people ask me why, i just tell em that i'm looking for someplace new. that my old church harbours too many memories of the past. the usual reactions include sagely nodding of heads, general agreement with my logic (i've always been good at crapping, you see) and the occasional invite to join them at their place of worship, which i almost always decline.

i did say yes to haugeng, but i've been procrastinating on that. and i know that i will never go. simply put, i lied.

do i love god?

yeah. sure i do. note that its written in a rather cavelier manner, though. i still pray from time to time; i say my graces before eating, and i even read a couple chapters from my bible when i feel like it. yes, i acknowledge the presence of god in all things around me, and that everything i have i owe it to his good graces.

but still, i deny the paths i once walked upon. i will tell you now, that there is a significant and very distinct sense of calm and well-being that comes with having complete faith in god. i know, because i was once like that: i'd read my bible faithfully every evening while i was still an officer cadet and staying in camp n' all. i'd painstakingly finish my bible studies even if the hour was late. i'd pray with whole hearted sincerity each night before i slept. and i knew inner peace like i had never known in my entire life.

but still, i deny the paths i once walked upon. because i am lost, and i just dont wanna be found. sometimes on quiet nights such as these, i silently ponder if god still loves me. i'd like to think he does, and things've been turning out pretty fine for me so im taking that as a sign im still doing somewhat okay. but in reality, i sin quite a damn lot each and every day. in fact, im sinning at such an alarming rate that i wonder if i will ever earn redemption. you think i could be like john constantine, fagging nonstop and busting ass and still making it to heaven?

dont think so, no?

i cant always explain the paths i choose or have chosen. there is a god, this much i know. but its so much easier to ignore the obvious and carry on with life, because im young and i just wanna do what i wanna do. do i care that staunch christians tell me this is the devil's argument? no, not really... hell, no i dont - up yours, man. its just like that calf sign hoo-ha a couple weeks back, when some people started up some rant about sylvester sim doing this rocker sign which had its origins steeped in the worship of baphomet. look, fellas - can you not be so fucking anal about a goddamn handsign? for chrissakes, we have students these days retaliating against teachers and you wanna accrue that to a fucking hand sign? grow up, assholes.

and sly sucks ass, big time. as glenn ong put it on the morning show: "what would sly sim know about the origins of the calf sign? he's just a stupid chao ah beng, man."

- - -

whats the conclusion of all this? is it that i am a satanic bastard child with absolutely no morals and a wicked sense of humour, with good looks to top everything off? (hahaha sorry i couldnt help myself there)

err. no, thats... not quite it.

simply put, im not really on good terms with god right now. and of my own doing, at that. but sometimes... we cant help but be who we are.

and im kinda enjoying this side of me right now. heh. so if you'll excuse me, i shall go light up.